Jenny Holiday

Audra North & Jenny Holiday on: Narcotics!

February 5, 2016 // Tagged with: , , ,

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Here's half of Audra's face that one time we drove two hours with an Ikea box shoved between our heads. It was like being in confession. Except there was nothing to say because she already knew it all.

Here’s half of Audra’s face that one time we drove two hours with an Ikea box shoved between our heads. It was like being in confession. Except there was nothing to say because she already knew it all.

So, my friend Audra North and I send each other a lot of emails. Like, A LOT of emails. We decided that it was a good idea to start transcribing our emails for your entertainment. (I’m not really sure why we decided that, but here we are.) So without further ado, I present you the first installment in what I hope will become a series.

Audra
What do you think of these covers? *attaches covers-in-progress for forthcoming series* The placement of the title in the last one seems off. But I don’t know if I’m just looking at these all wonky because they’ve been in front of me for so long.

Jenny
I like them! I liked the closed-eyes kissing thing across the group of them. I am not the person to ask about technical things like fonts and shit, though. Want me to ask Mr. Holiday? Did I ever tell you he used to be a designer?

Audra
I’ll probably sleep on the design and fiddle with it tomorrow. If Mr. Holiday has thoughts and wants to share them I’m happy to get them, but only if he really wants to or doesn’t care. As long as you don’t look at them and go OH MY GODRA NO then I know I’m close to the final version.

I’m pretty sure I’m going to take a Nyquil again tonight. I did last night because I was so stuffy and sneezy. But the thing is…I love Nyquil. I love it so much so I regulate it like crazy. Maybe once a year I’ll take half a dose for two or three nights and that’s it because it makes me feel so good. Danger Will Robinson.

Jenny
Oh I know all about this. When I was in college, I once had a wicked head cold during finals and I discovered Theraflu. It was the only thing that allowed me to sleep. My cold went away, and I kept drinking a cup of it at night. I was like, well, it’s finals, I need all the help I can get. Then I ran out, and sure enough, that night I could not sleep. I was up, dressed, and in the elevator down to the parking lot to go and get more (I HAVE A FINAL AT 8 AM!!!), when I was like WHOA, WHOA, I have to stop this now. So I did. But to this day, I do enjoy the sleep I get when I am sick and I take night time cold meds. Then a few years later, I had to get an endoscopy and they gave me an IV of Valium and Demerol, and I was so happy it was scary. I said to Mr. Holiday, who was picking me up in his “friend” capacity (we weren’t dating yet) that I was never allowed to have those drugs again. To the extent that when they tried to give me Tylenol 3 for my week 12 miscarriage, I refused it because I thought it was a bad road to go down, knowing I would be very depressed afterwards and in possession of a bottle of T3. My point is: Mmmmm, narcotics.

Audra
Friend Mr. Holiday picked you up from an endoscopy. Sweet.

I got my wisdom teeth out at 16 and got laudanum afterward. I took one. It was insanely amazing. As soon as I woke up from my trippy happy laudanum nap, I threw away the entire bottle. So I hope no junkie was going through my trash the next day because whoa. There were like 50 of those suckers left. But the way I loved it scared me shitless.

I have this mental play of Mr. Holiday that I sometimes run through when you’re talking about him. It’s where we three are sitting, playing cards, and he has a secret code while he plays and it’s basically him saying cutting sarcastic things in a gentle way. And then he wins the card game with his secret code (which is just him talking, which makes no sense because we’re all playing against each other, but somehow in my mind it makes sense). After the game is over, he sweeps up all the cards and stacks them neatly and tells us about how the Native Americans used to burn bison dung for fuel in the winter.

Jenny
OMG, I love you so much.

Audra
I realized that sounded like I was being mean. I meant I was thinking about asking him about burning dung as a fuel source for the house (totally jokingly) because that was also super efficient and then I decided against it since he doesn’t know me well and might have thought I was either being mean or totally serious. And then he’d have to feel awkward while he said gentle sarcastic things to find out if I was actually trying to convince y’all to burn poo.

Anyway. Mr. Holiday is great. That is my overall message.

Jenny
LOL! In no way did I take that message as mean! It was bizarrely, delightfully you and I loved it. And he is unnaturally obsessed with light bulb efficiency, so really, is dung burning that far off?

THE NEXT MORNING…

Jenny
I’m sorry I never showed your covers to Mr. Holiday. He fell asleep while lying down with the kid and slept the whole night there!

How was your Nyquil?

Audra
The Nyquil was awesome and now I shall stop taking them. Because it was just so so nice.

And no worries! I’m going to go ahead with these covers. Looking at them again in the light of day, they’re good enough, so it’s lock and load time.

What’s the story for today? What are you working on?

Jenny
Artie and Dawn all day.

Except oh shit, I just remembered I owe a post to my publicist by the end of the day. I can’t think of anything to say. I have nothing. Can I write about my love for you and/or night time cold meds?

Audra

Um…can you imagine what that post would be like, if you wrote about how much you love what is effectively a drug?

I will give you $10 to do it.

Jenny
And I will use that $10 to be like, “One commenter will win a pack of Theraflu!”

Audra
And then you could get a Theraflu spokesperson contract. It might compete with your Maybelline one.

Jenny
Or maybe the deal can be that Maybelline is so reliable that you can go on a Theraflu bender and STILL have great lashes.

Which reminds me, there was something in your book I was beta reading yesterday that made me laugh because it was totes similar to something in Artie and Dawn. But now I can’t remember what it was. I’ll just have to be surprised when you launch your lawsuit.

Audra
Well, you have the upper hand of knowing what it is already so you could preemptively file your lawsuit pre-publication, even.

And good point: bender + lashes are not mutually exclusive.

Probably our voices will start to blend over time and then we’ll be able to write a joint book involving a one-armed man, a castrated duke, a redhead named Meredith, and a camping trip. It will be epic. Sylvia Day will ask us to ghost write her next series. We will refuse because we will be richer than Bill Gates, who will read our books in public.

Jenny
And they both lived happily ever after THE END.

 

 

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