“Anything’s better than that loaf-headed Dawson,” said Lily when Tom and Katie first got together. I had to disagree, but I digress. TomKat is preggers and by now this is old news. I don’t know why I should be surprised because everyone around me is pregnant, except of course Lily and Lulu. What I want to point out here, Chicklets, is the alarming news that little Joey Potter is expected, according to the rules of Scientology, to pull off a totally silent birth. This means no crying, no moaning, and certainly no cursing the turkey baster that knocked her up. Then she can’t talk to the baby for seven days, because that might be traumatic for the little baguette, according to L. Ron and the other Old Boys who made up this religion. This is all fine and good if you’re the original cult member in the relationship. What I’m saying is that if Kirstie Alley wants to shack up with some random boy, like, say, Jake Gyllenhaal, and then stage a totally silent birth, I will be there leading a squad of American Sign Language cheerleaders. But Katie is too young to have a personality yet! Come on! What was the last book she read? If it was The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, then we can leave her to her fate, her Silent Spring. But let’s just say it was Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret. Then, OMG, get your deprogramming ray guns out, Dawson, cause you’re going to need them.